Kids, Single mom

Learning to be “Me” Again

It’s currently 6:00am. Fishy Christmas (my youngest daughter) has been awake since 4:45am. She’s been fed twice. She is wide awake. She is perfectly content in the warmth of momma’s arms. She is staring up at the ceiling, looking at the moon and stars being projected in various colors. She is making the sweetest sounds as she takes in this big world.

Big Girl (my oldest daughter) is laying beside us, sleeping deeply. These are the moments I live for. The sweet, simple moments of just loving my girls. The quiet times where there are no distractions and I can just enjoy being momma to them. They are so precious and I thank God for them.

I’m learning each day that life as a single mom is hard! At least once a day I find myself thinking “this would be so much easier if I had a partner to help me out in this exact moment!” These thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks when we’re running late for school and Big Girl doesn’t want to brush her hair, and Fishy Christmas is crying because she has a dirty diaper. Or when I’m trying to cook dinner and Big Girl is tired and cranky from a long day, Fishy Christmas is crying because she wants to be held. I’m right in the middle of cooking and both girls need me…but they need dinner too!

Christopher & Banks

I feel like I need a clone! It is so hard to take care of everything at once. I feel like help would be wonderful during these hectic times. Dinner time is one of the most stressful times of day for me, because both girls are usually cranky. But even when I have family over at my house, I don’t ask for help. I am stubbornness don’t like to ask for help. This is something that I am working on. I have to learn to ask for help! It will help me keep my sanity in the long run!

But the thing is, I come from a long line of strong, independent women. Women who have had to work hard all of their days for a life that was never easy. They have picked cotton in miserable heat. They have worked in factories for low wages. They have waited tables where their money was dependent on someone else. They have had to work in unpleasant conditions. They have made sacrifices because their children needed something. These women have always put family first. These women have molded me into the woman I’ve become. I am strong and resilient because they taught me to be! I will surround myself with this type of positive role model for my girls, so that they too will grow into strong, independent women. I have to be strong so that they can see what a strong woman is.

These early days as a single mom have not been easy. They’ve been some of the hardest days that I’ve ever had. But I feel like as each day passes, I get stronger. I figure out ways to juggle everything. In my new journey as a blogger, I feel as though I’m breathing in fresh air again. I have a drive that’s been missing for a long time. I feel energized at the opportunity that is before me. I never knew it was possible to feel energized while you’re exhausted at the same time! I feel like I am no longer going through the motions of the day to day life. I’m taking life by the horns. I’m taking control of my own destiny and chasing after my dreams.

I’m not afraid of the future anymore. I’m so glad I started living for myself again, and not settling for a life that made me unhappy just because it was financially stable. I am finding my happiness again! My relationship with my daughters will be so much better as they grow because they will have a happy momma. I’m so fortunate that I am able to have these moments to sit and reflect on my life. This is the time that is easiest for me to reflect, in the early hours while it’s quiet. Before all of the crazy starts.

Speaking of crazy, my clock says it time to start my day. It’s getting to be about time to get Big Girl up and ready for school. Signing out for now! Thanks to everyone who is following me on this journey. I appreciate the support and the kind words. My hope is that by sharing my story, it can bring a smile or a laugh to someone’s life. I hope that my blog will make a mom feel better knowing that she is not alone in this! There are others out there who are having the same struggles as you. Keep your head up, mommas! You’re doing a great job!


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