Dawn is approaching, the crickets are humming. Big Girl (my oldest daughter) is beside me, sleeping peacefully. Her deep breathing lets me know she is in dreamland. I’m cradling Fishy Christmas (my youngest daughter) and we stare deeply into each other’s eyes. She is 100% content in momma’s arms. These are the moments I live for; the quiet moments to just enjoy my girls and not be worried about anything. No schedule to worry about, no distractions, no interruption. Just quiet, quality time with my girls to reflect on how much I love them. These moments remind me how truly blessed I am. They fill my cup. They remind me that I am strong enough to do this all on my own; not because I want to, but because I have to! In this moment, I realize THEY are my happily ever after.
Before long, Fishy Christmas is asleep. I decide to hold onto her a little while longer. There’s no rush to put her back in her cradle. After all, there’s not much in this world that is better than holding a sleeping infant. There is so much innocence and purity in such a tiny package. I try and imagine the future. What will she grow up to be? Will she take after her momma and be stubborn and independent? I hope so! While she sleeps, she grins for a split second. That little grin brings tears to my eyes each time I see it. It gives me hope! It reminds me how much I love this sweet girl! The grin reminds me to love freely, without restrain. It reminds me to slow down.
These moments only last a brief moment in time. Almost instantly, they become memories instead of our daily life. Fishy will be three months old in just a few days and it doesn’t seem possible! Surely, it was only yesterday that she came home from the hospital! I am clinging to these moments with every ounce of my being. Trying to take note of every smile and coo.
She will likely be my last baby, unless an accidental pregnancy occurs. Due to my current relationship status (almost divorced), age, and health during my previous two pregnancies; I just don’t see another baby in the cards for me. For these reasons, I am begging Father Time to slow down.
These are the last times I will experience all of the firsts that come with a baby! It kills me to think that I probably will never have another first sonogram. Never again will I hear that glorious bump,bump,bump of the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. There will not be a first smile. A first bath. As the reality sets in that I am probably done having babies, I have tears rolling down my face. I don’t want to be done. I would be a baby factory if I could! I want to have the unforgettable moment of holding my baby for the very first time, at least one more time.
Regardless of what the future holds; I realize how blessed I am. I get to be a momma to two amazing girls!!! So even if I’m not destined to be a momma of three, I choose to be happy! I have so many things in my life to be thankful for! My life is fulfilled with what I have. It’s amazing the clarity you have when you just slow down and look at the life around you. Take away all distractions and live in the moment! Life is sometimes hard. It has been especially hard lately, but I am feeling so blessed today!